My senior year of high school, I enrolled in as few classes as possible, skipped most of what was left to take naps on the green, didn’t go to prom and wouldn’t have gone to my graduation ceremony if my parents hadn’t made me. I applied to two colleges (MassArt and Evergreen State), the first because it was early decision and I could start classes over the summer and the second because it was 3,000 miles away. My senior quote was “True terror is to wake up and find your high school class is running the country (Kurt Vonnegut)”.

You know, I’m starting to see why my mom thought I was depressed at the time.

Now it’s finally down to the wire— it’s the last semester of my senior year of college. I don’t care what anyone says about time “flying”, because it feels like a decade has gone by since the muggy, manic day I harassed cute nerds in line on my way to get my very first MassArt student ID. Freshman year itself feels like a lost episode of Buffy that I watched but forgot because my room-mates were being too loud with their stolen Ritalin problem and boys called me fat and I alienated everyone I talked to. I think I made some art but it’s all a blur now. Cole Swavely told me I should do SIM and I’ll always think of him as a re-incarnate of Clarence The Guardian Angel from It’s a Wonderful Life for that.

The past few years have been the best in my life to date, even with the occasional depressive slump (no, I’m not “sad” about anything, if happy and sad are radio stations depression is like the dial being tuned to nothing but soft static for me, and it’s caused almost entirely by poor physical self care). I’m feeling a bit twitchy as of late, though. My class-mate Kim and I are sharing the job of SIM TA this semester, which feels incredibly responsible and active for a person like myself who shies away from work involving any thing that resembles status over others. I also received many excited pats on the back for showing up with the SIM CD today, which I realize I organized, curated and produced as a project entirely by myself. I’m embarrassed just to say I’m proud of myself out loud (issues…). I also figured out what my senior project is going to be. I’m, like, doing stuff.

It feels good, but I think I’m twitchy for a few reasons. A major one is this somewhat paranoid notion that my friends don’t like me as much as I like them, because I feel like I never get invited to things (like I said, issues…), and I know that is insane and everyone else is just as busy and introverted as me, but it also comes from being friends with freakishly talented visual artists and academics who can bond over shared craft when my music and my writing isn’t really something I can do in a bite-sized, delightful way. Also I have acted exceptionally awkward the last several times I’ve socialized outside my own house. I used to be the teenager who, despite all the high school hate, talked to and hugged people and was all rainbow kawaii and now I run away in fear or rage if anyone I don’t know tries to approach me on the sidewalk and can actually measure how lonely I feel by how obsessed I become with fictional characters in television shows and books (I don’t just have a crush on Benedict Cumberbatch because he’s cute and has a silly name, I have a crush on him because I watched Sherlock continuously while alone in my house for days on end, maybe you are familiar with how that goes).

I mean, I guess it’s an improvement that I no longer wish I was someone else, especially someone fictional or famous, but I’ve been part of some Fandom or another my entire life (no, really) and it’s baloney to deny that obsession and enthusiasm is a double edged sword. It takes the place of something that throbs painfully if I’m not feeling fascinated, if I’m not collecting and hording, if I’m not meme-ing and having pissing contests about shipping wars.

Ah, what is it then, gentle reader?

I wish I had friends that I saw regularly.

Half the time I really just want to be working in the same room as other creative people. Maybe watch a little TV, I don’t know. I was addicted to the internet as a kid and teenager because it was my only avenue to people like me, and now that I’m a grown ass adult I still feel like there’s something standing in my way of comfortable connection with others.

It’s funny because I thought, once upon a time, that being in a long term relationship meant I’d never be lonely, and it’s really not the case. V makes me strong and happy and I love her, but one person cannot an entire social life be. I’m introverted but I’m not a robot. I need to see people more often, and cast a slightly wider net. Thing is, I’m not sure how. Asking people just as busy as myself to hang out tends to fall through for logistical reasons, and I feel embarrassed by the very idea of badgering anyone about it.

Wat do?